Incredibly Grateful Heart

The last 6 months have been an interesting journey of one sort or another in this internal space I call 'my self'.  But, let's not get into that...

What inspired me to write today was my observation of how finding ONE - if not TWO - people (outside my world of close friends and family) has totally shaped my life.  Let's talk about them a little bit.

 

Person Number ONE.  

I met him because I essentially stalked him - thank you internet! - and then ever since our first meeting I have held a sense of deep curiosity about him.  It is like a little angel has been sitting on my shoulder and occasionally whispering, "Notice him.  How does he do things?  What can you learn?"  Why the Universe seems concerned that I notice him I don't really understand all that well, but he has certainly shifted some major points-of-thinking in the last month!

First shift - my thinking that manipulation is completely and utterly evil.  About 3-4 months ago I took this 'personality test' called a CVI and with it I received a report that talked about strengths and weaknesses of individuals who tend to score in the range I did.  I'm not going to talk about the strengths (though coming up with ideas IS one of them ;-) ), instead I will talk about one of the weaknesses which is... manipulation.  Yep!  And of course I have spent almost my whole life in fear and concern that I am manipulating people; I don't want to!  It's wrong; it's not nice; people will hate you for it, etc, etc, etc.  That was my internal thought script.  Or, was it?

My husband and I go have coffee with this man and we get to talking about the CVI because one of the things that comes forth in conversation is how similar we are - we being this man and I and I am sitting there shocked that he suggests it - when he asks me, "What is the worst thing someone can say to you?"  I pause and think.  I want it to be a very honest answer because I know he is someone who really cares to hear it when I hear my Grandmother's voice in my head, "You don't really mean any of what you say or do.  You are just manipulating people to get what you want.  You aren't genuine at all - you're selfish."  Hearing this I feel a sensation as if the floor buckled a bit and I look at him and say, "Manipulation"  He replies (paraphrased), "I manipulate people all the time. I don't do it to be mean or with selfish intent.  I can see things others can't and I know that I have to sometimes help people want to get there for them to get there.  It is not to harm them, it is out of love.  I see in them what they sometimes can't see in themselves."  His words touched me like a warm hug - he acknowledged me and validated me in a way I don't think anyone else could.  He understood me and said, 'It's okay.'

Second shift - don't do it by yourself.  I don't know how I never really saw this in the first place, and yet truth is - I knew this yet with the extent to which he helped me see it - a whole new view of my vision came to light.  At the same coffee meeting my husband and I asked him, "How did you grow your business?" and he said, "I had others do what I am not good at.  I am not good at details so I let others do that.  I know what I AM good at so I focus on that and lets others do the rest." 

I am learning how to see what I am good at and how to acknowledge that I need, and want, people who are better than me at the things that are not my strengths.  What has happened is a shift in how I view the vision of what I want to do in this world and I have found a new sense of possibility and excitement.  I am ready to be part of a team that sees no bounds!

 

Person Number TWO

She started out being someone I only 'agreed' to work with.  I had a deep sense that something was waiting to be unveiled and I had a suspicion that she would start the process of uncovering it, but I was certain there were other things more important to do and she didn't seem to 'fit the bill' for what I thought needed work.  However, she had background as a couples therapist and that is certainly what we really needed.  Whether I liked the idea or not.  She knew this and while she told us what to do each and every time we met with her, I think she was waiting for us to realize what really needed to happen in order for our vision to become a reality.  Then it began to happen - the shift. 

Over and over I tried things a little bit in my own way, thinking, 'I firmly believe in what I believe and gosh darn it - she will just have to see it.  My husband will just have it see it'  What I didn't see until now is that she DID see it and what she wanted ME to see is what was really there; not some idea that could blow away in the next wind change.  What was it?  Me.

She stayed there in every uncomfortable moment, despite her own challenges of new success and achieving goals, and witnessed me find something I was often too embarrassed to acknowledge - my voice.  My voice isn't perfect and it can certainly use some tuning and grace, yet it feels more comfortable than it ever has in my entire life.

She did a lot by challenging me to re-think things I brought to her; to look at how my husband was my perfect partner is helping me achieve my goals; how the business needed me in significant ways (so find your confidence and voice! No more hiding!); and through her ability to witness and validate others I became more of what she saw all along - Me. 

 

Put the Two Together and you get...

An incredibly grateful heart!

Watching Dale Lovett and learning how he chooses to exist in the world, watching how he treats others and learning why, and seeing him say things that I have been trying to say my whole life, "... it begins and ends with how we treat each other." seems to help me feel like it is okay to be me in a way I haven't felt in eons.

Being coached by Kaya Singer has brought me into a sense of myself and into a greater appreciation of my husband and his skills.  She has literally awaken our business.  She has done more than awaken our business - she has awaken our relationship. 

Thank you Dale and thank you Kaya for being part of an incredible shift in my life.  No matter what happens and no matter where I go - I will carry you in my heart.

It is more than a challenge, it is frightening...

To start something that exposes you to the world is a challenge, and, the truth is - it is more than a challenge, it is frightening. 

You are expected to be open, transparent, authentic, and finally – reveal your soft vulnerable side to a jaded and mocking world.  “Show us who you are”, they demand.  “We want to feel connected to you, share your innermost thoughts with us.  Help us want to help you …”

With courage, in the face of your fears, you try.  Standing there above a crowd of onlookers you tell your story, you give your heart, and you extend your energy towards their wavering attention.   As words of your story fall upon their minds; as your heart reaches theirs; and as your energy touches their spirit, mixed reactions roll back to you.

Through the crowd of known and unknown faces you hear mocking laughter, murmurs of scorn and worst yet – gaping silence.  Struggling to understand your heart asks, “But, didn’t you ask me to show you who I am?  Why are you doing this?” Varying emotions wrap you in confusion.

Bewildered and hurt, you start to descend, hoping that the mass of the crowd will swallow you into forgotten memory… But!  My friend, I would encourage you, do not!  Do not quit!

Listen: mingled amongst the jaded hearts and mocking minds are the words of gratitude for sharing, the encouragement to keep going, the advice that helps you, and with the softest whisper – love.  

Look: see the tears streaming down the faces of people who have fought to find their own words, find their sought-for expressions in your composition.  See the eyes that were dull, spark with life.  Find hope revived and inspiration breathing strength over the weary.  Find love being restored to those that simply needed your presence to touch and awaken them.

It is frightening to start something that exposes you to the world and it is challenging to stay where you are called to stand, but there is a reason you feel called to stand above the crowd and share:  no one in this world, in the history of mankind past and future, has the gift of giving you as well as you do. 

Have no fear my friend - nothing in this world will be returned Void.  Embrace those in the crowd that connect with you and give love to those who don’t.

Last moment I ever said those words...

When sick I seem to revert to a cave-woman and only communicate in grunts, glares, and 'go away' hand motions.  Very unpleasant.  Hopefully the worse I will ever have will be the case of Pneumonia from last week because it does not take much to imagine a team of medical persons refusing to help after only a brief encounter with my surly self.

While my external expression lacks words and anything graceful when I am sick, my internal world is often fraught with dialogue; rich with conversations I should have had with 'so-and-so' clear over to what I wish I had said with 'so-and-so'.  Ranging in time from way back when I was just a tiny 5 yr. old to moments that have not happened, but I imagine they could. ;-)

Why bring this up?  you wonder.  Well it has to do with something I realized while in a mind fog of sicken stupor.  Here's the scenario:

There is me at the age of 11-12 yrs. holding my younger brother in a menacing choke hold, but not really squeezing, however the threat that I can choke him has gotten just the attention I am looking for.  Every other sibling is looking at me with horror - I appear to have lost it and with no adult home - who will step in to take control before it all goes much, much too far?

Angry I shout my words one.more.time, "If you can't say something nice, DON'T say anything at all!!!"  My brother unfrozen from his fear is scrambling to get free.  My arm tightens and he stops, "I mean it!" I shout.  "If you CAN'T say anything nice, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!"  My ever calm sister, we'll call her 'Ee-Roy', holds my craziness with a gentle and steady gaze, "Liz.  Let Jon go."  Her quiet demand drops my frustrated and angry facade and I release my brother with a firm thud.  He, of course, is pissed as hell and ready to fight.  She tells him to leave me alone.

This was probably the last moment, or close to it, that I ever said those words, quoted from Bambi's own friend, Thumper.

Prior to this sad memory of minor violence on my part, I was observing people very close to me saying incredibly hurtful things to one another.  I was observing internal sorrows neglected or ignored.  I was observing violence derived from this internal pain.  The internal pain strengthened with negative self-talk.  Negative self-talk fueled by incredibly hurtful things and to my young self it must have felt like no one was trying to change it - so I had to.

However, no one wanted to listen to me.  So I tried violence.  Yet all it did was take me one huge step farther away from my siblings.  (And years of restoration and reconciliation once I grew up.)

Shocked by my own behavior and realizing that I could not change what existed in a place called home - I think I began to 'give up' on 'taking care' of things that day.  Yet following the principle that where there is a void something will fill the space - calm and reliable 'Ee-Roy' stepped in.  She would have only been 9-10; becoming a mentor to five younger siblings and an older one.

Wrapping it Up

So here I was last week having 'conversations' in my head when this memory bobs to the surface like an old fashioned red-and-white fishing bobber, and it all began to make sense:  the Appreciation Board and Share Appreciation cards - they are simply tools on a journey - along a Path that was designed for me long before I could wonder what 'purpose' meant.  Perhaps Angels whispered in my ear, before I arrived X years ago, a message that impressed my spirit with the feeling: words matter.

Where ever this Path takes me, here is one thing I will promise you - I will not act with any violence, minor or otherwise, to get a message across.  Those days are done.  :-)

*except if my husband really irritates me, can I place him in a choke hold???? ;-)

If I died - who would mourn me?

Dread, fear, shame, self-disgust and a deep sense of feeling broken and worthless whirl within me as I walk slowly to class - nothing done with my homework, once again, and my teacher's face with its frustration and apparent resolution that I am not worth his time looms in my mind.

What does it matter?  In this whole high school of students it feels like no one notices me.  My friends left me because they didn't want to be seen with me anymore and those who came to fill the space taught me how to fall behind in school, but then when I wouldn't go as far as they did - they left me too.  I am all alone, no one notices me.  I should just die.  I want to die.

Wait!  No I don't!  I just want to know who cares...  if I died - who would mourn me?  Who would cry for me?  What would they say?  Please God, can I just appear to die and float above everyone so I can see/hear everything?  Then God when I see who are my friends and who cares, can I just come back and have it be like it never happened?  I promise I will be different.  I will invest my time and attention to them and treat them like precious jewels.  I just want to know I am worth something to someone.  No one seems to notice me...  Please God.  I want to die, but - I don't want to die.

That was my story most of the way through my freshman year in high school.  (Til a miracle happened.)  I would cry myself to sleep most every night feeling worthless, unloved, and rejected.  I would lay in bed and fantasize taking my dad's shotgun and going into the tree farm near our house and putting it to my head.  The sound wouldn't bother anyone - neighbors would think that someone was deer hunting and at the most would get pissed in their own homes about how unsafe it was with kids nearby.  But then I would break down into body-wrenching sobs as I knew that it would be a couple days before anyone knew I was gone.  My family was so chaotic that the only time it seemed I was noticed was when I did not DO something I was suppose to, so only if my chores weren't done would they notice.  And, I felt like I had no friends any more...  I felt so miserable and I wanted to die, but then my spirit would cry out - "No!  Not die!"  I just really wanted to know someone, other than those who were 'supposed' to love me (aka family), cared for me.  I felt so incredibly lonely and everyday at school was a reminder of how lonely I was.

Then the miracle.  

Walking towards yet another disappointed teacher, I passed through the student center of our high school and noticed that a wall had been filled with 8.5x11 colored sheets of paper.  As I got closer I could see that all of the sheets had names and many of the names I recognized as fellow class mates.  When I had become socially disassociated from by those I had entered the year calling 'friends' it felt like school happened around me, not to me, and this felt like just another 'thing' that happened for all the other kids, but me.  No one noticed me.  (so I thought)  As I came upon the exit my eyes fell on a name on one of those sheets of paper and it said, 'Liz Riutzel'.  Whoa...  What?  Wait?  What?!  That was MY name.

Drawn like a magnet to steel - I walked to the wall.  "Liz Riutzel, what we notice about you is:  you are always smiling."  The world stopped.  My heart stopped.  My breathe seemed to hold its self for an eternity.  Someone noticed me?!

I stood there staring at this piece of paper for what felt like forever, and yet - it never felt like enough.  As soon as other people came into the student center I bolted out of the exit, desperate to not appear like it mattered, making my way to class.  The rest of the day all I could think about was, 'always smiling?'  That felt so strange, but yet - in my act of masks I did try to make sure no one saw my pain and now I realized - it worked.  However, while I thought that I felt this, 'someone noticed me?  Someone noticed me!'

That night was the first night in a very long time that I did not wish I could die.  After that day I have never truly felt unseen, or unnoticed, again; have never felt so miserably lonely, and I have never wished to die.  All because someone, unknown to me, took the time to say: I notice you...

This is not the only story.

There are so many people in our life who may have at one time felt something similar to my story.  It could have been yesterday.  It could be how they feel today.  Who may these people be?  It could be the retail service representative who takes care of our purchases, our coffee barista, our lunch server, our spouse, or even our children. 

Yet, we have the power - the ability - to change this!  Think about that for a minute.  Reflect on how one piece of paper changed my entire sense of belonging and worth.  Did the person who wrote that, the persons who came up with the idea, realize what they were doing?  Maybe a little, but they certainly had no clue the forever change it would cause.  I am eternally grateful they did it and so are my husband, my kids, my future grandkids, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my future friends... the list can go on and on. 

We can help change the way a person feels about themselves.  How?  By noticing them - in a positive way.

Noticing...  It changes people.  

How will you notice someone today?  Starting at home...

"It makes me feel invisible... "

My car points towards the curve of the on-ramp for I-5S and I see a clear path to accelerate and let the V6 engine live a little, when I notice a couple standing in a 'not-too-convenient' spot off the road waiting (hoping) someone will pick them up.

Not quite knowing why - I pull over and roll down the window, "Where you going?" the other woman and I ask each other simultaneously.  "Albany," we both reply.  "I'll pop the trunk for your stuff." I extend.

As the couple clamber in we introduce ourselves and I learn their names are Barbara and Paul.  Barbara has appropriately chosen the front passenger seat and Paul has chosen the back.  Paul comes across as a very calm and quiet sort of man, Barbara seems nervous in a shy sort of way, but very kind.

To ease the discomfort of being strangers, conversation begins.  Yet, Paul just speaks when spoken to while Barbara deflects questions about them to asking questions about me.  As I share what I do and answer her questions with specific stories she begins to share her own.

She is the 2nd youngest of seven kids.  The ages of the youngest and the oldest span almost 20 years.  Her mother was a stay-at-home type who made their food from scratch, made their clothes, and loved baking.  Her mother worked really hard and enjoyed being creative and tried to instill appreciation of the arts into her children.  Barbara grew up in a busy home, but always felt loved.  I never asked and she never conveyed what had brought her to be waiting alongside the road for a ride to some place, but she had something to share about being there.

"When I am on the side of the road and asking for help, I know that people are not able to always help.  Still I will wave and offer an acknowledgement, but you know what - hardly anyone waves back.  That makes me feel invisible and that is such a horrible feeling.  I know I am not invisible."  She was confirming something I noticed just weeks prior.  (Check out that blog HERE)  Being me, I started to cry.

As she talks a question is forming as she tells me over and over about being grateful for everything and I ask permission to share:  "It seems that you are in a place where it can be struggle, or almost a struggle, to take care of your needs.  How does it feel when you observe other people complain about what they do have, or don't have, and they are by all appearances 'better off'?"

For the first time Paul talks, "That can get to me.  But, if I let that thought stick around too long it makes me feel frustrated and feeling frustrated is just negative.  Nothing good comes from being negative.  So I just stop and think of something positive.  When I am positive it always works out." 

Before I move to Barbara I would like to ask you to reread that again...

Did you notice that he did not say, " 'try to' think" - he just 'did'. 

Barbara was honest in a different way.  "I don't like to say this, but it makes me angry.  Most people just don't get it.  Life is not about stuff.  (italics because she emphasized this strongly)  Life is about more than material things."  She takes a deep breathe to try and gain composure before speaking again.  "Life is about relationships; relationships with ourselves, with others.  Life is about love, peace, happiness, appreciation, gratitude, and..."  She puts the hands that have been forcefully emphasizing what life is about back into her lap and tries to regain peace, while yet - she seems so moved by this that it has awakened the evangelist spirit within her.

After a moment she quietly says, "I see people drive past me and I can tell that they are not always able to help me with a ride.  They have a full car, they have kids, they have too much stuff in the car, but you know - when I see a single driver in a big SUV and they won't even look at me...  it makes me angry.  I want to be positive like Paul.  I just don't like how people are so focused on stuff."  She says the last part like it was a bitter pill that dissolved in her mouth before it could be swallowed.  "Be grateful.  Be grateful for everything."

When I dropped them off at the funeral for their friend I drove away unsure who blessed whom - me for helping with their need for a ride or them, for sharing and affirming what my heart needed to hear.

Asking - why is it so hard?

Are you worth asking for?

It started almost two weeks ago.  It started with someone telling me that I could, and should, talk in a workshop about positive communication.  I retorted that I did not know enough (when comparing myself to all the great Coaches, Therapists, and well known authors and speakers) and they replied, "I've been sitting here just listening and observing - yes, you do."  Then my sis, to whom I had been speaking with, pipes up and talks about all the different ways of teaching oneself.  Later I go home and research how to become a family coach...

I find the training program I believe I want to do, only problem - it is over $3k.  On a debt-free plan this means if it can't be paid with cash - it don't happen.  Period. 

Couple days later I have a great coffee date with an Executive Coach and I tell her this mini-story and laughingly throw-out, "Someone recommended that I do a 'GoFund Me' campaign, but I don't like asking people for help.  I could never do that!"  (Hahahaha...)  She chuckles with me for a micro-second before looking at me with a curious and intense look, then says seriously, "That is it!  You don't like to ask because you don't believe you are worth it!"  Say what??!!

She chats a bit about this with me and even asks me to try a 'Tapping' exercise, which proves to be hard to do.  (Guess she was right.)  We part ways and for days I consider this and repeat the words she gave me, 'I am worthy.'  Now the thing is - I have these words in my home.  I have them written down in my journal(s).  Repeating them is no problem for me!  But, what happened is the words went into a metamorphosis and changed into something of their own, it became: 'I am worth asking for.'  Holy sheesh!!  Now that brought bucket loads of ugly stuff...  yuck!!!

Feeling overwhelmed with it I sat down and wrote; wrote it all out.  However it must not have been enough because HERE I AM WRITING AGAIN.  (Actually I was triggered to extreme discomfort by asking others for help... )  This business of asking goes way back, like infancy back.  Depending on our soul, spirit, family of origin, etc. it can be some serious shit.  Well what I think I learned in writing is that somehow I decided, or was unconsciously told, that I was not worth enough to ask for.  AND I was not worth enough to receive for.

Well, I have put two-and-two together and concluded that 1) feeling not worth asking for and/or receiving for is totally not the way it was meant to be for a.n.y.o.n.e.  We are not here to feel like that, we have too much to do!  Let's heal that stuff!!  2) building a business, accomplishing a goal, making a difference in the world all involve a lot of asking.  Asking the Universe/God/Presence/Great Spirit for direction, blessings, etc and asking people for help.  If we don't believe that we ARE WORTH ASKING FOR - our 'ask' has no real power.  If we don't believe that we ARE WORTH RECEIVING FOR - our 'response' to our 'ask' will wait just outside our invisible bubble of 'not worthy'.  And we will just cry in frustration and pain because we believe we haven't been heard...  No, we were heard.  Did we believe we were worth receiving it for????

My bucket load of ugly stuff will take some time, some love, some resolve, and some serious courage to get through, but I vow to do it.  I didn't come here broken, I let myself believe I was broken, and what I got to do is TOO BIG to let any sense of brokenness keep it from getting done. 

What about you??  When you believe that you are worth asking for?  Worth receiving for?  What would happen in your life?