Last moment I ever said those words...

When sick I seem to revert to a cave-woman and only communicate in grunts, glares, and 'go away' hand motions.  Very unpleasant.  Hopefully the worse I will ever have will be the case of Pneumonia from last week because it does not take much to imagine a team of medical persons refusing to help after only a brief encounter with my surly self.

While my external expression lacks words and anything graceful when I am sick, my internal world is often fraught with dialogue; rich with conversations I should have had with 'so-and-so' clear over to what I wish I had said with 'so-and-so'.  Ranging in time from way back when I was just a tiny 5 yr. old to moments that have not happened, but I imagine they could. ;-)

Why bring this up?  you wonder.  Well it has to do with something I realized while in a mind fog of sicken stupor.  Here's the scenario:

There is me at the age of 11-12 yrs. holding my younger brother in a menacing choke hold, but not really squeezing, however the threat that I can choke him has gotten just the attention I am looking for.  Every other sibling is looking at me with horror - I appear to have lost it and with no adult home - who will step in to take control before it all goes much, much too far?

Angry I shout my words one.more.time, "If you can't say something nice, DON'T say anything at all!!!"  My brother unfrozen from his fear is scrambling to get free.  My arm tightens and he stops, "I mean it!" I shout.  "If you CAN'T say anything nice, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!"  My ever calm sister, we'll call her 'Ee-Roy', holds my craziness with a gentle and steady gaze, "Liz.  Let Jon go."  Her quiet demand drops my frustrated and angry facade and I release my brother with a firm thud.  He, of course, is pissed as hell and ready to fight.  She tells him to leave me alone.

This was probably the last moment, or close to it, that I ever said those words, quoted from Bambi's own friend, Thumper.

Prior to this sad memory of minor violence on my part, I was observing people very close to me saying incredibly hurtful things to one another.  I was observing internal sorrows neglected or ignored.  I was observing violence derived from this internal pain.  The internal pain strengthened with negative self-talk.  Negative self-talk fueled by incredibly hurtful things and to my young self it must have felt like no one was trying to change it - so I had to.

However, no one wanted to listen to me.  So I tried violence.  Yet all it did was take me one huge step farther away from my siblings.  (And years of restoration and reconciliation once I grew up.)

Shocked by my own behavior and realizing that I could not change what existed in a place called home - I think I began to 'give up' on 'taking care' of things that day.  Yet following the principle that where there is a void something will fill the space - calm and reliable 'Ee-Roy' stepped in.  She would have only been 9-10; becoming a mentor to five younger siblings and an older one.

Wrapping it Up

So here I was last week having 'conversations' in my head when this memory bobs to the surface like an old fashioned red-and-white fishing bobber, and it all began to make sense:  the Appreciation Board and Share Appreciation cards - they are simply tools on a journey - along a Path that was designed for me long before I could wonder what 'purpose' meant.  Perhaps Angels whispered in my ear, before I arrived X years ago, a message that impressed my spirit with the feeling: words matter.

Where ever this Path takes me, here is one thing I will promise you - I will not act with any violence, minor or otherwise, to get a message across.  Those days are done.  :-)

*except if my husband really irritates me, can I place him in a choke hold???? ;-)

If I died - who would mourn me?

Dread, fear, shame, self-disgust and a deep sense of feeling broken and worthless whirl within me as I walk slowly to class - nothing done with my homework, once again, and my teacher's face with its frustration and apparent resolution that I am not worth his time looms in my mind.

What does it matter?  In this whole high school of students it feels like no one notices me.  My friends left me because they didn't want to be seen with me anymore and those who came to fill the space taught me how to fall behind in school, but then when I wouldn't go as far as they did - they left me too.  I am all alone, no one notices me.  I should just die.  I want to die.

Wait!  No I don't!  I just want to know who cares...  if I died - who would mourn me?  Who would cry for me?  What would they say?  Please God, can I just appear to die and float above everyone so I can see/hear everything?  Then God when I see who are my friends and who cares, can I just come back and have it be like it never happened?  I promise I will be different.  I will invest my time and attention to them and treat them like precious jewels.  I just want to know I am worth something to someone.  No one seems to notice me...  Please God.  I want to die, but - I don't want to die.

That was my story most of the way through my freshman year in high school.  (Til a miracle happened.)  I would cry myself to sleep most every night feeling worthless, unloved, and rejected.  I would lay in bed and fantasize taking my dad's shotgun and going into the tree farm near our house and putting it to my head.  The sound wouldn't bother anyone - neighbors would think that someone was deer hunting and at the most would get pissed in their own homes about how unsafe it was with kids nearby.  But then I would break down into body-wrenching sobs as I knew that it would be a couple days before anyone knew I was gone.  My family was so chaotic that the only time it seemed I was noticed was when I did not DO something I was suppose to, so only if my chores weren't done would they notice.  And, I felt like I had no friends any more...  I felt so miserable and I wanted to die, but then my spirit would cry out - "No!  Not die!"  I just really wanted to know someone, other than those who were 'supposed' to love me (aka family), cared for me.  I felt so incredibly lonely and everyday at school was a reminder of how lonely I was.

Then the miracle.  

Walking towards yet another disappointed teacher, I passed through the student center of our high school and noticed that a wall had been filled with 8.5x11 colored sheets of paper.  As I got closer I could see that all of the sheets had names and many of the names I recognized as fellow class mates.  When I had become socially disassociated from by those I had entered the year calling 'friends' it felt like school happened around me, not to me, and this felt like just another 'thing' that happened for all the other kids, but me.  No one noticed me.  (so I thought)  As I came upon the exit my eyes fell on a name on one of those sheets of paper and it said, 'Liz Riutzel'.  Whoa...  What?  Wait?  What?!  That was MY name.

Drawn like a magnet to steel - I walked to the wall.  "Liz Riutzel, what we notice about you is:  you are always smiling."  The world stopped.  My heart stopped.  My breathe seemed to hold its self for an eternity.  Someone noticed me?!

I stood there staring at this piece of paper for what felt like forever, and yet - it never felt like enough.  As soon as other people came into the student center I bolted out of the exit, desperate to not appear like it mattered, making my way to class.  The rest of the day all I could think about was, 'always smiling?'  That felt so strange, but yet - in my act of masks I did try to make sure no one saw my pain and now I realized - it worked.  However, while I thought that I felt this, 'someone noticed me?  Someone noticed me!'

That night was the first night in a very long time that I did not wish I could die.  After that day I have never truly felt unseen, or unnoticed, again; have never felt so miserably lonely, and I have never wished to die.  All because someone, unknown to me, took the time to say: I notice you...

This is not the only story.

There are so many people in our life who may have at one time felt something similar to my story.  It could have been yesterday.  It could be how they feel today.  Who may these people be?  It could be the retail service representative who takes care of our purchases, our coffee barista, our lunch server, our spouse, or even our children. 

Yet, we have the power - the ability - to change this!  Think about that for a minute.  Reflect on how one piece of paper changed my entire sense of belonging and worth.  Did the person who wrote that, the persons who came up with the idea, realize what they were doing?  Maybe a little, but they certainly had no clue the forever change it would cause.  I am eternally grateful they did it and so are my husband, my kids, my future grandkids, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my future friends... the list can go on and on. 

We can help change the way a person feels about themselves.  How?  By noticing them - in a positive way.

Noticing...  It changes people.  

How will you notice someone today?  Starting at home...

"It makes me feel invisible... "

My car points towards the curve of the on-ramp for I-5S and I see a clear path to accelerate and let the V6 engine live a little, when I notice a couple standing in a 'not-too-convenient' spot off the road waiting (hoping) someone will pick them up.

Not quite knowing why - I pull over and roll down the window, "Where you going?" the other woman and I ask each other simultaneously.  "Albany," we both reply.  "I'll pop the trunk for your stuff." I extend.

As the couple clamber in we introduce ourselves and I learn their names are Barbara and Paul.  Barbara has appropriately chosen the front passenger seat and Paul has chosen the back.  Paul comes across as a very calm and quiet sort of man, Barbara seems nervous in a shy sort of way, but very kind.

To ease the discomfort of being strangers, conversation begins.  Yet, Paul just speaks when spoken to while Barbara deflects questions about them to asking questions about me.  As I share what I do and answer her questions with specific stories she begins to share her own.

She is the 2nd youngest of seven kids.  The ages of the youngest and the oldest span almost 20 years.  Her mother was a stay-at-home type who made their food from scratch, made their clothes, and loved baking.  Her mother worked really hard and enjoyed being creative and tried to instill appreciation of the arts into her children.  Barbara grew up in a busy home, but always felt loved.  I never asked and she never conveyed what had brought her to be waiting alongside the road for a ride to some place, but she had something to share about being there.

"When I am on the side of the road and asking for help, I know that people are not able to always help.  Still I will wave and offer an acknowledgement, but you know what - hardly anyone waves back.  That makes me feel invisible and that is such a horrible feeling.  I know I am not invisible."  She was confirming something I noticed just weeks prior.  (Check out that blog HERE)  Being me, I started to cry.

As she talks a question is forming as she tells me over and over about being grateful for everything and I ask permission to share:  "It seems that you are in a place where it can be struggle, or almost a struggle, to take care of your needs.  How does it feel when you observe other people complain about what they do have, or don't have, and they are by all appearances 'better off'?"

For the first time Paul talks, "That can get to me.  But, if I let that thought stick around too long it makes me feel frustrated and feeling frustrated is just negative.  Nothing good comes from being negative.  So I just stop and think of something positive.  When I am positive it always works out." 

Before I move to Barbara I would like to ask you to reread that again...

Did you notice that he did not say, " 'try to' think" - he just 'did'. 

Barbara was honest in a different way.  "I don't like to say this, but it makes me angry.  Most people just don't get it.  Life is not about stuff.  (italics because she emphasized this strongly)  Life is about more than material things."  She takes a deep breathe to try and gain composure before speaking again.  "Life is about relationships; relationships with ourselves, with others.  Life is about love, peace, happiness, appreciation, gratitude, and..."  She puts the hands that have been forcefully emphasizing what life is about back into her lap and tries to regain peace, while yet - she seems so moved by this that it has awakened the evangelist spirit within her.

After a moment she quietly says, "I see people drive past me and I can tell that they are not always able to help me with a ride.  They have a full car, they have kids, they have too much stuff in the car, but you know - when I see a single driver in a big SUV and they won't even look at me...  it makes me angry.  I want to be positive like Paul.  I just don't like how people are so focused on stuff."  She says the last part like it was a bitter pill that dissolved in her mouth before it could be swallowed.  "Be grateful.  Be grateful for everything."

When I dropped them off at the funeral for their friend I drove away unsure who blessed whom - me for helping with their need for a ride or them, for sharing and affirming what my heart needed to hear.

Asking - why is it so hard?

Are you worth asking for?

It started almost two weeks ago.  It started with someone telling me that I could, and should, talk in a workshop about positive communication.  I retorted that I did not know enough (when comparing myself to all the great Coaches, Therapists, and well known authors and speakers) and they replied, "I've been sitting here just listening and observing - yes, you do."  Then my sis, to whom I had been speaking with, pipes up and talks about all the different ways of teaching oneself.  Later I go home and research how to become a family coach...

I find the training program I believe I want to do, only problem - it is over $3k.  On a debt-free plan this means if it can't be paid with cash - it don't happen.  Period. 

Couple days later I have a great coffee date with an Executive Coach and I tell her this mini-story and laughingly throw-out, "Someone recommended that I do a 'GoFund Me' campaign, but I don't like asking people for help.  I could never do that!"  (Hahahaha...)  She chuckles with me for a micro-second before looking at me with a curious and intense look, then says seriously, "That is it!  You don't like to ask because you don't believe you are worth it!"  Say what??!!

She chats a bit about this with me and even asks me to try a 'Tapping' exercise, which proves to be hard to do.  (Guess she was right.)  We part ways and for days I consider this and repeat the words she gave me, 'I am worthy.'  Now the thing is - I have these words in my home.  I have them written down in my journal(s).  Repeating them is no problem for me!  But, what happened is the words went into a metamorphosis and changed into something of their own, it became: 'I am worth asking for.'  Holy sheesh!!  Now that brought bucket loads of ugly stuff...  yuck!!!

Feeling overwhelmed with it I sat down and wrote; wrote it all out.  However it must not have been enough because HERE I AM WRITING AGAIN.  (Actually I was triggered to extreme discomfort by asking others for help... )  This business of asking goes way back, like infancy back.  Depending on our soul, spirit, family of origin, etc. it can be some serious shit.  Well what I think I learned in writing is that somehow I decided, or was unconsciously told, that I was not worth enough to ask for.  AND I was not worth enough to receive for.

Well, I have put two-and-two together and concluded that 1) feeling not worth asking for and/or receiving for is totally not the way it was meant to be for a.n.y.o.n.e.  We are not here to feel like that, we have too much to do!  Let's heal that stuff!!  2) building a business, accomplishing a goal, making a difference in the world all involve a lot of asking.  Asking the Universe/God/Presence/Great Spirit for direction, blessings, etc and asking people for help.  If we don't believe that we ARE WORTH ASKING FOR - our 'ask' has no real power.  If we don't believe that we ARE WORTH RECEIVING FOR - our 'response' to our 'ask' will wait just outside our invisible bubble of 'not worthy'.  And we will just cry in frustration and pain because we believe we haven't been heard...  No, we were heard.  Did we believe we were worth receiving it for????

My bucket load of ugly stuff will take some time, some love, some resolve, and some serious courage to get through, but I vow to do it.  I didn't come here broken, I let myself believe I was broken, and what I got to do is TOO BIG to let any sense of brokenness keep it from getting done. 

What about you??  When you believe that you are worth asking for?  Worth receiving for?  What would happen in your life?

Show Yourself

Dear World, 
Dear God,

First - thank you.  Thank you for the amazing people in my life; permanent additions and those who weave in and out.  They are such unique gifts and I am blessed with every experience I have with them; whether it be fleeting, a couple hours, a day, or a lifetime.  They show me what is funny, what is love, what is kind, what is pain and what is simply human.  Feeling with them, or because of them, reminds me - I am ALIVE.  Thank you!! 

Second - I am sorry.  I am sorry that it is taking me this long to find... me, and listen to purpose.  However, I know I will always be finding more of 'me' so this may be a dish of continual apology edged with gold of gratefulness. 



Today I met another amazing soul and while it is possible that the meeting may have only left an impression of me jumping up and down in a crowded room of start-ups and shouting, "Guess what?!  I am HERE!!"  The most inspiring take-away, for me, was what I heard through our conversation - I heard loud and clear what I am to do.  What I am to continue to do.

I am to continue to move with my heart.  (Wow!)  That is scary and such a vulnerable thing to do, but... every question that I try to send out with my heart seems to come back with the answer, "Keep with the heart of 'why' and show yourself."

Did you catch that?  It isn't 'be' yourself, it is 'show' yourself.  Yes, yes.  I need to BE myself, but every time I SHOW myself something happens.  People seem to connect and I saw that happen today.

I felt the conversation shift from head to heart.  He got 'it'.  He got 'me' and gave sincere encouragement - write it.  Share it.  Create a platform with your story.

What an incredibly scary thing to do.  World, I will show me because you have amazing people and I will trust that more of those amazing people will dance through my world with love, light, life and laughter.  But God, when I get hit hard - please remind me to keep moving forward with my heart. 

Oh, and God, when people come around who say, "You are 60% of the way and have the courage to keep going..."  Well that doesn't hurt either.  Yet - feel free to add to that 60%!! 

What idea do you have that would touch lives? Check out what this guy did

I was introduced to the group, practice kindness (PK), in late December 2013 when a friend of ours had been gifted through their generosity (Video Here).  Then one day as I was in my neighborhood I saw a "practice kindness" sticker on a vehicle and thought, “Is it possible that these people may be in MY neighborhood?!  What if I could learn more about them?”  Curiosity stirred me as a story seemed to beg to be told...

First I discovered that YouTube was alive with moments of giving by the group and that Facebook was well over 1.5k likes (now it is over 7.5k!).  However, as much as I tried - I could not discover who, or whom, was behind such organized acts of kindness.  The videos showed many faces, but not a single person seemed to represent the group and nor could I link it to an organization.  Undaunted I reached out with a message through their Facebook page, holding hope that someone would respond.

A response DID come and later - an agreement to meet me over breakfast!  Turns out... they were 'sort-of' in my neighborhood.

Driving to the breakfast meeting I anxiously repeated my interview questions, while simultaneously expressing thankfulness (however, did I manage to convince PK to meet with me?). Yet all professionalism was forgotten when I met the one who took an idea that began as a personal reminder and helped it become something that has touched hundreds of lives.

Sitting down across from the man who agreed to meet me, I was impressed with two immediate things:
1) This man was genuine. There was nothing about him that hinted at a sense of grandiose importance.  He genuinely - was. just. himself.  He was authentic and open.
2) His smile was infectious.  When a smile took over his face and caused the light in his eye to twinkle, it felt like one was looking at a person who loved life with true appreciation and gratitude.  And it is from this place - true appreciation and gratitude - that he wanted to do something that would remind him 'to be kind'.

 

How it began

One restless day he decided to create a reminder for himself to practice kindness toward others; something he would see every day. The ‘reminder’ turned out to be incredibly simple.

With his 'reminder' car sticker on the back of his truck, he felt one small step closer to being the type of person he wanted to be.  However after only a short time he began to sense that there was something more to this ‘reminder’ and that it was about more than just him...  Feeling inspired he printed hundreds of stickers and started sharing them with others; for free. (You can get your own sticker here.)


Than the crisp fall air came and with it inspiration whispered again.  This time he began to see an idea that would touch people in a truly kind, gentle, and yet powerful, way.  Reaching out to a few close friends he shared the idea and asked, "Would you like to help by donating?"  Imagine his surprise when his friends said yes, though not with a few dollars - rather they said 'yes' with hundreds of dollars.

The Idea

The idea was to walk up to completely random people in shopping centers during the holidays - a time of year that is tender and sensitive to many for reasons that can range from financial to family, and offer to purchase the entire contents of their carts.  Supported by others, the vision of PK began to materialize and people all over the world saw the tender care of kindness ripple across numerous lives.

As more and more people began to learn about it, he found so many were asking to donate money to help him; kids were asking if they could be a part of it; and people all over the country were asking him to help start something in their own hometown. He began to realize in a truer and more connected way what he always knew – that the world needs kindness.

Who is this man?

The man is Dale and today Dale and his volunteers have turned what was just an idea with lots of heart and spirit into a non-profit organization so that the act of practicing kindness can continue to be a gentle touch that influences our world.

The fact is that we need kindness because we all want to feel like people care about us and we want to feel safe with those around us.  Kindness touches that need and helps create a sense of security around that want.

“practice kindness” through the actions of those who will support it by administration, volunteering of time or materials, and /or donations of goods, services, and finances are going to help us all feel better about our world.

Thank you team ‘PK’!!

Reflection

When I reflect on what I learned by meeting Dale I would have to share that two of the most transforming things are:

• Inspiration is a gift and with it - we can potentially touch hundreds of lives. Believe in you and follow where inspiration may lead.

Look at how a simple car sticker ‘reminder’ turned into something that has touched so many people. And it continues to ripple across the world, giving breath to the encouragement to lead an aspiring life and practice kindness.

• We cannot do it alone.

None of what PK has done has been one person, there has been a community of people who have believed in Dale, the ideas he shared, and then supported the ideas however they could.  So when you are inspired, find your community.  Together you may just be the next 'PK'.

PK is getting ready to begin another season of giving and they could use some help.  Take a moment to CLICK HERE and see how you can help 'practice kindness'.

Truth about Appreciation

It is not easy to remember to share.  Often times our thoughts tend to be about what to do now, what needs to be done, who to pick up, or what to cook, etc.  Then, add the emotional complexity of our thoughts as we try to navigate our relationships, our personal concerns with self, and the anticipation of things yet to unfold.

Truth is, appreciation is sometimes (if not all the time) one of the last things we think about.  Oh, it is all over positive psychology studies and the new age/self-improvement stuff that expressing appreciation, being grateful, and having an attitude of gratitude is good for us.  So, what happens when we forget?  Do we add another tail to the whip we already beat ourselves with?  Each time we use it saying something like, "I should be more grateful.  I should tell others how I appreciate them.  I should be more positive." 

What happens to us emotionally once we start this whipping scene?  I don't know about you, but I begin to feel pretty much like crap.  I feel a shade of guilt (though this would be a personal thing - everyone is different.) and next thing I know - I have wandered down some hallway of shadow that whispers something to the tune of, "I am not good enough.".  And, then doubt, about things that range from east-to-west, tickles my core of confidence.  In the end, I just plain feel ... plain.  Nothing worth rejecting, but nothing worth acknowledging either. 

Let it go.  Just let it go.  Let the thought go that you 'should be all positive', 'should have an attitude of gratitude' and 'should feel grateful all the time'.  Alright, I can already hear you, "But, how will that help me?  How will I become a better person?  How will that inspire me/remind me to acknowledge others?"  I mean, let the sense of 'should' go.  Because when you don't do what you 'should' - don't you feel guilt, or bad?  How can something that brings you wonderful gifts of light, happiness, peace and harmony be felt, or seen, if you are focused on whipping yourself? 

Instead of the negative, try this:  Simply post reminders where you look a lot (such as, the fridge door, the bathroom mirror, the car dashboard, your lock screen on your phone, etc.).  Gently say, "well ... you may not have caught that moment, but you will catch the next one.  Trust your instinct/feeling to do something."  While sitting at a stoplight, or in traffic, think about all the things that evoke a smile (such as: your puppy, that moment when your child did something that made you laugh so hard, the joke someone told the other day, that loving moment that still makes you blush, etc.).  

Point is, put down the whip.  We are human.  We are not perfect and not put together all that well.  My encouragement would be, don't tell yourself what you should do, just create reminders of what you want to do.