What does it matter? In this whole high school of students it feels like no one notices me. My friends left me because they didn't want to be seen with me anymore and those who came to fill the space taught me how to fall behind in school, but then when I wouldn't go as far as they did - they left me too. I am all alone, no one notices me. I should just die. I want to die.
Wait! No I don't! I just want to know who cares... if I died - who would mourn me? Who would cry for me? What would they say? Please God, can I just appear to die and float above everyone so I can see/hear everything? Then God when I see who are my friends and who cares, can I just come back and have it be like it never happened? I promise I will be different. I will invest my time and attention to them and treat them like precious jewels. I just want to know I am worth something to someone. No one seems to notice me... Please God. I want to die, but - I don't want to die.
That was my story most of the way through my freshman year in high school. (Til a miracle happened.) I would cry myself to sleep most every night feeling worthless, unloved, and rejected. I would lay in bed and fantasize taking my dad's shotgun and going into the tree farm near our house and putting it to my head. The sound wouldn't bother anyone - neighbors would think that someone was deer hunting and at the most would get pissed in their own homes about how unsafe it was with kids nearby. But then I would break down into body-wrenching sobs as I knew that it would be a couple days before anyone knew I was gone. My family was so chaotic that the only time it seemed I was noticed was when I did not DO something I was suppose to, so only if my chores weren't done would they notice. And, I felt like I had no friends any more... I felt so miserable and I wanted to die, but then my spirit would cry out - "No! Not die!" I just really wanted to know someone, other than those who were 'supposed' to love me (aka family), cared for me. I felt so incredibly lonely and everyday at school was a reminder of how lonely I was.
Then the miracle.
Walking towards yet another disappointed teacher, I passed through the student center of our high school and noticed that a wall had been filled with 8.5x11 colored sheets of paper. As I got closer I could see that all of the sheets had names and many of the names I recognized as fellow class mates. When I had become socially disassociated from by those I had entered the year calling 'friends' it felt like school happened around me, not to me, and this felt like just another 'thing' that happened for all the other kids, but me. No one noticed me. (so I thought) As I came upon the exit my eyes fell on a name on one of those sheets of paper and it said, 'Liz Riutzel'. Whoa... What? Wait? What?! That was MY name.
Drawn like a magnet to steel - I walked to the wall. "Liz Riutzel, what we notice about you is: you are always smiling." The world stopped. My heart stopped. My breathe seemed to hold its self for an eternity. Someone noticed me?!
I stood there staring at this piece of paper for what felt like forever, and yet - it never felt like enough. As soon as other people came into the student center I bolted out of the exit, desperate to not appear like it mattered, making my way to class. The rest of the day all I could think about was, 'always smiling?' That felt so strange, but yet - in my act of masks I did try to make sure no one saw my pain and now I realized - it worked. However, while I thought that I felt this, 'someone noticed me? Someone noticed me!'
That night was the first night in a very long time that I did not wish I could die. After that day I have never truly felt unseen, or unnoticed, again; have never felt so miserably lonely, and I have never wished to die. All because someone, unknown to me, took the time to say: I notice you...
This is not the only story.
There are so many people in our life who may have at one time felt something similar to my story. It could have been yesterday. It could be how they feel today. Who may these people be? It could be the retail service representative who takes care of our purchases, our coffee barista, our lunch server, our spouse, or even our children.
Yet, we have the power - the ability - to change this! Think about that for a minute. Reflect on how one piece of paper changed my entire sense of belonging and worth. Did the person who wrote that, the persons who came up with the idea, realize what they were doing? Maybe a little, but they certainly had no clue the forever change it would cause. I am eternally grateful they did it and so are my husband, my kids, my future grandkids, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my future friends... the list can go on and on.
We can help change the way a person feels about themselves. How? By noticing them - in a positive way.
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